


Twists and Turns of Fade

by Ninmerin



Series: Twists and Turns of Fade [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/M, Fluff, I will make you hurt, Panic Attacks, SPOILERS!!!, Under construction, by the Maker just kiss already, mostly canon, possible character death late-fic, pregnancy/birth, recovering from a broken heart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-16 16:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10575144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninmerin/pseuds/Ninmerin
Summary: ***********THIS ENTIRE WORK IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING *******************





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ********************THIS ENTIRE WORK IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING*********************
> 
>  
> 
> I ask that you be gentle with criticism for many reasons, please. One being that this is my first published fic. I have never shared my work before. 
> 
> Another reason is that this work, in its entirety, is still being edited. I am posting it so I can work on it piece-by piece.
> 
> Thank you for taking an interest in this work, and please let me know if you'd like to read my other works.
> 
> My inquisitor's appearance: http://tinyurl.com/lu5vjto
> 
> THAT IS MY OWN ART. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT CREDIT OR USE IT. Thank you.

**_"The best gift I can offer is... The truth."_ **

_"While we are on the topic… I have something to tell you, Solas."_  
  
**_"Please, allow me to speak first..."_ **

_"Slave markings? It can't be."_

**_"I know a spell..."_ **

_"Take them away."_

**_"...I have distracted you from your duty. It will never happen again"_ **

_"Not like this, Solas..."_

**_"Please, vhenan."_ **

_"Solas, don't leave me, not now."_

**_"You have a rare and marvelous spirit... In another world..."_ **

_"Why not this one?"_

****_"I can't. I'm sorry._  
****_I'm sorry..._  
****_I'm sorry..."_  
  
  
  
**"VHENAN."**

 

Arianni slowly opened her eyes and sat up with a sigh. She’d fallen asleep with her face laid on top of the book she was reading in her quarters. She needed Dorian’s tonic, and soon. She was falling asleep without warning. It had been three days since she had gone to bed.  
  
As she stood, she looked around the room. The walls pressed in at her. She couldn’t bear it. She needed some air, and her balcony just wasn’t enough. As she stood to leave, she caught herself thinking about the dream. About him.  
  
Dreams. She had once held them so dearly. From the moment when Solas had shown her how to wander the Fade in her dreams, sleep had become her escape. No matter how heavy the weight of the Inquisition and all that relied on it, she had the comfort and security of her dreams. For a time, she had even taken to napping with Solas, their limbs entwined as they lay in her quarters in Skyhold, and their minds traveled through the Fade.  
  
She had grown accustomed to waking up to his warmth, to his even breathing, and to discussing what they had seen in the Fade. She had also grown used to the intimate moments that would follow. She had taken to teasing him, stealing what time she could with him. Rushed kisses as she passed the rotunda to see Cullen, moments of breathless giggling as they teased one another in an abandoned hall, only to break away and sprint off when a servant approached their alcove. She loved spending her free time watching him paint massive imagery in the rotunda, frescoes detailing the works of the Inquisition, choices she had made, from the very formation of the Inquisition, to assisting the mages Redcliffe, to saving Empress Celene at the Winter Palace, even her drinking from the Well of Sorrows. She was surprised he had painted that one. When she commented on it, he had turned to her, an inscrutable look on his face, before breaking into a playful smile and dabbing paint on her nose.   
  
When they couldn’t spend time together in person, they would meet in the Fade as they slept.

When they weren't meeting for more intimate reasons, Solas had introduced her to spirits he knew, and she had made friends of her own with spirits within the Fade. She never woke more invigorated than she did after spending her night learning about the history of Thedas, seeing events she had heard of only in stories or tall tales from an entirely new perspective. The Fade was her escape from the madness around her in her waking days.  
  
After he left her, she had learned not to return. She was too afraid of what could happen.  
  
\---    
  
Varric was the first one the Inquisitor told of his leaving her. She walked through the doors to Skyhold, and Varric took one look at her face and led her out of the main hall, away from people. He led her to one of the empty halls underground, closing the heavy wooden doors on either side. Abandoned tables and chairs littered the hall, and a stack of books and lit torch on one wall showed that this wasn’t the first time Varric had come down here.   
  
“Alright, Dandelion,” Varric said. “Nobody can hear us down here. What happened? What happened to your tattoos?”  
  
Arianni opened her mouth to speak, but all she managed was “Solas,” before bursting into tears. She lowered herself to her knees, a hand over her mouth.  
  
“Hey, hey, come here.” Varric walked over, putting an arm around her. “It’s alright. He isn’t even in the castle right now. Let it out, Dandelion.”  
  
Arianni laughed humorlessly. “No, it isn’t alright. It really isn’t,” she managed.  
  
“Tell me what happened. What did he do?”  
  
As she tried to explain, she found herself crying, raging, and, at Varric’s encouragement, screaming, pouring all of her emotions out. When she had expended all of her energy, she was finally able to explain what had happened.  
  
As he listened, Varric hugged her, stroking her hair. He listened to her story, murmuring reassurances, encouraging her to keep talking. The entire time, he glared daggers through the ceiling toward the rotunda, grateful Arianni couldn’t hear his dark thoughts. When she had nothing more to say, Varric told her stories, stroking her back gently.  
  
Hours passed while he stood still as stone, and he didn’t mind at all. Varric had seen how strong the Inquisitor was, and to have all of that torn down by some egotistical apostate made his blood boil. He was determined to be there for her, damn the ache it would give his joints.  
  
When, finally, one of his stories elicited a chuckle, Varric stepped back, letting Arianni stand. She wiped her face and smiled.  
  
“Thanks, Varric,” She said. “I think that was just what I needed.”  
  
He smiled. “It’s what I do.”  
  
Arianni hugged him tightly before retreating to her bedroom, hoping desperately to seek some solace in her dreams.  
  
As she made her way along the corridor from the main hall to her quarters, Cole appeared before her, startling her.  
  
“Cole. It’s good to see you,” Arianni said, mustering a smile.  
  
“You are hurting,” Cole said. “I could hear it from the bar.” He looked up so he could see her face, then leaned forward suddenly, looking closely. “No, no, they’re gone. Why are they gone? You don’t look like you, and it’s more than just the marks.” He raised a hand as though to touch where her Vallaslin had been then pulled away.  
  
Arianni looked down, unable to speak, and Cole spoke for her.  
  
“Lights soft, dancing, shining water, his hand at my chin, his words kind, then awful. Take them away. It hurts. Don’t leave.” Cole looked at her, and Arianni felt the sting of tears trying to force their way out.  
  
“I want to help. I don’t… How…” Cole looked at his hands, before taking his hat off and looking at Arianni, his face uncertain, confused. When Arianni opened her mouth to ask him what was wrong, she was surprised as he shot forward and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. “I don’t think I can make the hurt stop,” Cole said, “but this _feels_ right.”  
  
Tears spilling over, Arianni wrapped her arms around Cole’s slender frame, grateful for his presence.  
  
“Oh no, no, this isn’t right, you shouldn’t cry MORE.” Cole backed up, looking scared. “I did it wrong, I’m sorry. I’ll try again. Forget-”  
  
“No, Cole,” Arianni said quickly, smiling at him as she wiped her eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Thank you.”  
  
“I helped?”  
  
“Yes, you helped a lot.” Arianni leaned forward and kissed his forehead. “You always help.”  
  
Cole smiled as he put his hat back on, though he still looked uncertain. “I’m glad I could help.”  
  
“Me, too. Goodnight, Cole,” Arianni said as she headed for her room.  
  
“Good night,” Cole said before disappearing.  
  
\---  
  
Hours later, when she finally managed to sleep, she had unwittingly wandered to the Fade in her sleep. A kind spirit had offered to listen to her, and Arianni poured her heart out to it, sharing all of her anger, sadness, and frustration. The spirit, a kind wisp, had stayed with her, sitting nearby as it listened. Arianni hadn't noticed the changes to the spirit as it sat next to her. Face in her hands, she had continued crying, oblivious, until she heard a faint shout.  
  
"Inquisitor!"

The voice was faint. She looked up to see Solas running towards her, worry twisting his face, blurring his outline.

"Vhenan, you must wake!" He cried out, pointing past her.  
  
Arianni looked around, gasping in horror. The spirit she had been speaking to was no longer sitting quietly next to her. It had gone from having a faint green outline to glowing red, twisting in place. As she watched, it began shrieking, its form growing, pulsating.  
  
Arianni turned from it and ran. The danger she was in was not lost on her. She nearly crashed into Solas, who held her at arm's length, looking her up and down.

"You must wake!" He repeated, his voice urgent. "Your emotions are changing the spirit."  
  
"I realize that!" Arianni yanked free of his grasp, refusing to acknowledge the look of hurt that crossed his face as she did so. "I am trying. I can’t seem to wake up.”  
  
"Forgive me," Solas said softly.  
  
Arianni turned to him in a rage. "I will never be able to-"  
  
She was cut off as his hand struck her face, and she sat up in bed, drenched in sweat, feeling the sting on her cheek as acutely as if she had been slapped in this world. Her heart pounded as she gasped for breath.  
  
She knew she wouldn't be able to return to the Fade. Her emotions had tainted a pure spirit. She may well have forced it to become a demon. Her dreams were lost to her.  
  
What had become of her friend? She had no way of knowing if the spirit had managed to reclaim itself. The thought saddened and terrified her. She wanted to cry, but found the prospect frightening, so she resisted. Arianni ran a hand through her hair, grasping it tightly and pulling. She felt the familiar panic rising in her chest. Suddenly, there wasn't enough air. The spacious room was closing in on her, suffocating her. Heaving gasps of breath, Arianni kneaded the sheets with one hand, pulling her hair with the other, attempting to ground herself to something. Anything.   
  
Unable to resist it, she gave in to her tears, heavy sobs racking her body as she pulled her knees to her chest.  There was a knock at the door, but she couldn't bring herself to answer. She knew it would be him. Clasping a hand to her mouth, she tried to control her sobs. She wouldn't let him hear her pain.   
  
\--  
  
The knocking persisted, however, and after a few moments, Arianni couldn't take it any longer. Lowering her feet to the floor, she stormed down the stairs to the door. If he insisted on seeing her, she would let him see her rage.  
  
As she flung the door open, she shouted, "You could at least leave me to my misery!"   
  
It wasn't Solas. Dorian stood at the doorway, a folded slip of paper in one hand, the other raised, poised to knock. He looked at her with concern. Arianni gasped and put a hand to her mouth, mumbling an apology.   
  
"Here I was about to just put this under the door," Dorian said, scrutinizing Arianni's face before sighing. "He wasn't kidding."  
  
"What? Who wasn't kidding?"  
  
"Solas," Dorian replied simply. "He handed me a letter for you, and said it was in your best interest I keep knocking until you answer. So, should I come in, or 'leave you to your misery'?"  
  
Arianni laughed humorlessly, before stepping aside to let him in. She wiped her face as she followed him up the stairs, the shock of seeing Dorian had been enough to stop the unrelenting tears.   
  
"I was gonna tell him to take his letter and shove it, but he said you needed company. So, tell me what's wrong." Dorian pulled a chair to the edge of Arianni's bed and motioned for her to sit.   
  
Arianni sighed. "It's nothing to be concerned about. We had a fight."  
  
Dorian raised an eyebrow. "Yes, dear, I know about that." Arianni looked at him in confusion, and he continued. "When he returned without you, naturally I was curious. After some questions mingled with a few threats, he finally told me what happened."  
  
Arianni sighed. "It wasn't just that."  
  
"Oh?" Dorian tilted his head. "Do I need to drop another book on that shiny head of his?"  
  
"Another-what?" Arianni was so surprised by his words she laughed.   
  
"That's more like it. Now, tell me what happened," Dorian said, wiggling in his chair to  show that he was getting comfortable.  
  
"I'd really rather not," Arianni replied. "Not tonight, at least."  
  
"Right. Well you know you can always talk to me if you need to." Dorian sat the letter on Arianni's pillow and stood. "I'll let you get back to sleep. Get some rest, dear."  
  
Seeing Arianni's face, he sighed. "Look, I can tell something is still wrong, so you may as well tell me."  
  
Arianni sighed. "I need to sleep without dreaming."  
  
"Whatever for?" Dorian was clearly taken aback.  
  
"Because, sometimes when I sleep, I go to the Fade." Arianni paused, unsure whether to tell Dorian about the spirit. "I'm not the only one in Skyhold who does.." She trailed off, raising her eyebrows at Dorian, who got the implications immediately.  
  
"I see, you'd rather avoid unnecessary contact with a certain homeless elf. Say no more. I have a herbal tonic I can put together that should do the trick. It should take a couple of days to get the ingredients, however. I trust that is acceptable?"  
  
Arianni practically sagged with relief. "Thank you, Dorian."  
  
"Well what are friends for?" Dorian chuckled as he moved forward and hugged Arianni. "Listen, dear, you will overcome this. I know it. You’re stronger than this."  
  
"Sometimes I wish I had your confidence," Arianni said with a small smile.  
  
"No you don't, it's a terrible burden. Now I suggest you rest your body, if nothing else. I'll leave you to it."  
  
"Good night, Dorian." Arianni walked him to the door. "And thank you again."  
  
"Good night," Dorian said with a wink as he left.  
  
When the door closed, she took the letter Solas had written, and unfolded it.  Two lines waited for her, almost cruel in their simplicity:  
  
"It could not change back.  
I ended its misery."  
  
Arianni dropped the letter with a gasp as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.  
  
“Do you want to be alone?”  
  
Arianni jumped, turning to the balcony, she saw Cole standing in the doorway. She wiped her eyes. “I don’t know,” she said honestly.  
  
“It… It sounds like you want me to stay,” Cole said, uncertain. “Your hurt, it is a lonely one.” He walked up to her. “I am sorry about your friend,” he said softly.  
  
“Thank you, Cole.” Arianni sat on the bed. “I feel…  
  
“Lost,” Cole offered. “Every day, another pain, why can’t anything go right? Why does everything I do hurt? I don’t even know where I am…” He walked over, sitting on the bed next to her. “You are here,” He said.”You are home.”  
  
Arianni smiled a bit at that.  
  
“Do you want me to stay? I can help you stay awake,” Cole said.  
  
“I’d like that, Cole.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arianni's three days without sleep lead her to be cranky, emotional, and falling asleep in random rooms under Skyhold.  
> Cullen finds out about Solas leaving her.  
> The boys act like idiots.

Arianni managed well enough the first day without sleep. There wasn't much that needed her attention. Leliana's spies and Cullen's soldiers were busy attempting to track down Corypheus for what they all knew would be the final battle. She was also eagerly awaiting Morrigan’s return from a hunt for information she had gone on, to find out more about the power Corypheus wielded.  
  
She had made one foolish mistake, though. She had tried to talk to Solas, about what had happened. She had tried to get some kind of explanation from him.  
  
When she approached him in the rotunda, he had inclined his head in acknowledgement of her presence, but otherwise ignored her, staring at a blank wall segment, clearly planning the next fresco work to add.  
  
“So now you pretend I don’t exist?” Arianni already regretted coming, she knew this was stupid, pointless, but she couldn’t stop herself.  
  
“I am aware of your presence, Inquisitor. If you do not need me for anything, however, I am busy.”  
  
“No,” She said, her voice angry, cutting. “You don’t get out of this that easily.”  
  
“I understand your anger,” Solas said. “I am furious with myself as well. But, for now, we must focus on what matters.”  
  
“So I don’t matter?” She could feel her hands shaking.  
  
“Harden your heart to a cutting edge, Inquisitor, and put that pain to good use against Corypheus.” Solas continued to look at the wall.  
  
Trying again, Arianni took a breath. “It would help me, if you could explain why.”  
  
Solas shook his head. “It would not. The answers would only lead to more questions, an emotional entanglement that would benefit neither of us. The blame is mine, not yours. It was irresponsible and selfish of me. Let that be enough.”  
  
“An emotional entanglement, huh,” Arianni said before sighing. “I figured that's what relationships were. I don’t know why I even tried to talk with you.  
  
Solas looked at her then, a gentle tone to his voice now. “Because you are hurt. Because I made a selfish mistake. Because you deserve better. Pick any reason.”  
  
Arianni shook her head. “This was pointless. It was never real anyway.”  
  
She left then, not listening to or caring what his reply was. She returned to her quarters, pacing, angry, saddened by his lack of emotion, before deciding to meditate. Keeper Istimaethoriel had taught her, years ago, when she had been chosen to become the First of her clan. She hummed chants her Keeper had taught her as she sat in the middle of the floor. She did not move the rest of the day except for when the emotional tides threatened to overwhelm her, and she let herself cry, giving in to them, feeling no less upset after, but refreshed enough to continue her meditation.  
  
The second day had been difficult, But again, she managed. Sympathetic as ever, Dorian had some specially grown tea sent to her chambers. It had a high caffeine content, and helped her manage the exhaustion.   
  
Each night, Cole came to visit her, to help her stay awake. He’d explained to her that he didn’t have to sleep. That he wasn’t sure he could. Arianni appreciated his presence. Appreciated the ease with which she could be around him. Cole didn’t care if there were long periods of silence. He didn’t mind that Arianni wasn’t always sure how to say something. He always knew what she meant anyway.  
  
When he was gone, she let herself cry. Let herself give in to the feelings of hopelessness and fear that she didn’t know how to articulate, and that he didn’t know how to help.  
  
Sometimes she felt pathetic, feeling she should be stronger than this. When Cole came to see her, he heard the thoughts, and reassured her that it was ok to feel  
  
On the third day, Arianni couldn’t bear the same walls a moment longer, and, sleep-deprived, eyes red-rimmed from crying, she left her quarters. She saw Cullen coming towards her as she left, and ducked her head, intending to pass him. Without hesitation, he caught her arm, turning her to face him.  
  
"Inquisitor?" He eyed her with concern. "What's wrong? You've been in your room for days. What's happened? Your face..."   
  
"I," Arianni began, but found that she wasn't sure what to say. She looked down.   
  
Cullen caught her chin, tipping her head back so he could see the red rims of her eyes. 

"Is this because of Solas?" Cullen's voice was hard.  
  
"It's not... It's me." Arianni shook her head gently. "I had always hoped, after everything ended, that there might be a chance for me to be happy... It doesn't matter what I thought." Arianni sighed. "I was wrong."  
  
Cullen frowned at her. "I don't understand. What-?"  
  
"It's simple," Arianni interrupted him, "I wasn't enough. That's all." She looked at Cullen, biting her lip, afraid more tears would spill over.  
  
"What?!" Cullen grasped Arianni's shoulder, cupping her cheek with his other hand. "That's not true."  
  
"Sure it is, Commander," Arianni said, pulling away from him. "He wouldn't be the first to think I wasn't good enough."  
  
She heard the sharp intake of breath, knew the words stung. She regretted the words the moment she said them, but there was no taking them back. She quickened her pace, forcing herself not to look back as she descended the stairs.  
  
Unsure of where to go, she wandered the underground parts of Skyhold. She explored until she found a dusty study she had never seen before, shaped like a circular tower, with books on all the walls, shelves lined higher than she'd think practical. A lone table sat in the middle of the room, its age impossible to tell. An immense book, open wide, sat perched front and center. Slightly to the side was an armchair. It looked as though someone had pushed the chair away and stood, but never returned to what they had been reading.  
  
Arianni sat in the chair and began examining the book, It was written in ancient Elvish, and what few words she could translate fascinated her. She saw mention of Fen'harel, likely a rendition of the Dread wolf's tale. She tried to piece together and translate it, and felt her eyelids drooping. Before she could try to wake herself, she was asleep, cheek resting on the table before her.  
  
She was grateful, later, that she did not wander into the Fade in her dreams.  
  
She dreamt of her memories. She wasn't sure that was much better.

 

\-----Cullen POV

 

After Arianni left him in the hallway outside her quarters, Cullen stood in the corridor for several moments, seething. That someone could take all of the fiery confidence, the cold determination within her, and crush it so thoroughly, so easily, was unforgivable. Cullen could feel his hands shaking, knew he should stop, but did not hesitate before entering the main hall. Varric started to speak to him as he passed, but looking at Cullen’s face, he was silent. As Cullen slammed open the door to the rotunda, he heard Varric following him.  
  
As he approached Solas, he grabbed the apostate’s shirt at the chest and DRAGGED him to the hallway, away from prying eyes, before lifting him and slamming him into a wall.  
  
“Commander...” Varric’s voice was concerned, warning, but Cullen ignored it.  
  
“Commander,” Solas managed. “I would ask what your visit is about, but I am sure I can guess.”  
  
Cullen practically snarled. “How DARE you? What gives you the right to do this to someone? To her of all people?”  
  
Solas sneered at him, without a trace of fear. “Why, Commander, I’d think you’d be THANKING me. After all, perhaps now you can stop staring at her ass every time she walks by and muster the balls to talk-”  
  
He was cut off by Cullen’s fist connecting with his face. Solas turned his head, expecting the blow.  
  
Raising his head from the punch, Solas grinned at Cullen. “Well, look who comes to her defense. A washed up templar whose lyrium addiction has him screaming at the dark most nights. Are you sure you even know what you’re hitting? Sure it’s not some product of the Lyrium? In any case, I’m sure she feels very safe knowing you’re protecting her. That is, assuming she cares!”  
  
Cullen punched him again. Solas chuckled as blood poured from a cut on his lip.  
  
“Ohh, yes, show us the hatred you Templars pride yourself on. After all, we all know it’s the real reason you wouldn’t let her into your be-” Cullen struck him again. And again. Each time the elf raised his head, Cullen raised his fist, a blind rage taking him. Finally, Varric’s hand on his arm brought him back to where he was. Releasing Solas’ shirt, he let the mage slide to the floor.  
  
Solas, however, didn’t seem to be done yet.  
  
“What’s this?” He raised himself to his feet unsteadily. “Mercy for a mage? That must surely be a first for the likes of you.” He spit blood to the floor. “You humans, so brutish and simple. She’ll make you a fine match, I’m sure. After all, you’re both too weak-”  
  
Cullen turned with an angry shout, but this time it wasn’t his fist that connected with Solas’ face. It was Varric’s. Solas crumpled, then.   
  
Cullen turned away, making his way to his quarters. As he approached the door, he heard Varric ask Solas why he had antagonized the commander.  
  
“Someone had to do what she wouldn’t,” Was all the reply Solas gave as he pulled himself to his feet and walked away.   
  
Feeling sick as he realized he’d given the mage exactly what he wanted, Cullen left, slamming the door behind him.  
  
\---------Arianni POV  
  
Arianni’s dreams taunted her with secrets just out of reach, things she KNEW were clues, but that she couldn’t seem to piece together.  
  
She dreamt of the Well of Sorrows. She heard whispers she couldn't make out as she watched herself drink.  Voices overlapping, some shouting, some crying. Then, louder than all, a growling voice hissed in her ear:  
  
**"Fen'Harel ma ghilana."  
**  
The well was gone, and she was home, in Skyhold.  
  
One moment, standing in the sun on her balcony, the next, his arm at her waist, a playful smile on his face as he pulled away from a kiss. Then, alone, nothing but a cold wind at her back and a whisper at her ear.

 _"Vhenan..."_  
  
Cullen's face swam before her, saying sadly, "I don't see this working."  
  
He was replaced by Solas, facing away from her. "In another world..."  
  
Arianni awoke with a start, lifting her face from the table. Her cheek hurt, and the room was definitely colder than when she had entered. She sighed, wondering how many hours she had slept. Not enough, was the easy answer.  
  
With no rush to return to her quarters, and no shouts telling her Skyhold was on fire, she decided to stay in the solitude of the room a while longer.  
  
Her thoughts turned to Cullen, and the harsh words she had said. She felt a pang of guilt, but brushed it aside as she reminded herself that HE had chosen to end things before they went anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear in mind, y'all, it's barely 4 days after Solas left her. She's cranky, sad, and heartbroken. She'll stop being a crybaby REAL soon. <3
> 
> Please be gentle in critiques, but let me know if you have advice or suggestions, I would love to hear what you think.  
> Remember, this entire work is still under construction. 
> 
> Thanks for taking the time to read my fic <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We learn what Arianni meant when she told Cullen that Solas wasn't the first person to think she wasn't good enough.

It wasn’t as though she hadn’t made her interest clear, at least to everyone else in Skyhold.   
  
She had been caught more than once watching the training from the battlements, watching him train in the hot sun with the soldiers, losing cloak, jacket, and eventually shirt to the heat of the day. Josephine had even helped her narrowly avoid hitting her head on a beam when she was craning her neck behind her to look at him.   
  
Leliana had made a joke once about how she could practically SEE Arianni’s pulse pick up when Cullen walked into the War room. She, Leliana, and Josephine had giggled like children at that, stopping only when Cullen actually DID enter the room, and Arianni found herself unable to speak for a moment.   
  
She’d decided to lay her feelings out suddenly, surprising even herself.   
  
It had been almost a week since Cullen let her know he wasn’t taking lyrium. While she supported his decision, it worried her. She had gone to see him at Cassandra's behest, only to have his philter explode against the wall next to her as she entered his office.  
  
"Maker's breath, I'm sorry," Cullen gasped, leaning his arms on his desk. "I didn't see you enter."  
  
"I suppose you're going to explain this to me?" Arianni said, eyeing the broken glass on the floor.  
  
"It's nothing," Cullen said dismissively, straightening and turning away from her.  
  
"It's definitely more than nothing." Arianni moved to the desk. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Yes... No... I don't know," Cullen sighed. He turned to walk to a nearby bookshelf, and stumbled, nearly falling. He caught himself with a shaky arm as Arianni rushed over. “Is it really worth it? It’d be such a simple thing, to take lyrium again,” Cullen said.  
  
"You need to stop. The lyrium will kill you." Arianni placed a hand on Cullen's shoulder as he leaned against the wall, heaving for breath. "I can see that this is hard, but it's better than the alternative."  
  
"Is it?" Cullen turned his head to her. "Is it really so terrible to think that I could provide a few more years' service to the Inquisition while of sound mind?"  
  
"Right now, I'm more worried about YOU than the Inquisition," Arianni said softly.  
  
"You're worried about me? That's surprising." His fit subsiding, Cullen straightened and walked to his desk, his cheeks red as he turned to face her.  
  
"It really shouldn't be," Arianni replied, walking to him. "I care for you, Cullen."   
  
There it was, she’d said it. Now he just had to understand the implications.  
  
Cullen began picking at an invisible speck on his cloak mantle. "Is that so? Well, I suppose it wouldn't- I mean it only makes sense that it's- I mean-"  
  
_Of course_   
He thought she meant as a friend. Arianni mentally shook off the disappointment.  
  
"You're hopeless," Arianni laughed as Cullen fumbled for words. "Look," she said. "You are stronger than this addiction. I believe in you."  
  
Cullen was silent a moment, before he nodded slowly. "If you really think I can do this, then I will continue trying."  
  
Arianni smiled and moved forward to hug him. "You _can_ do this, Cullen."  
  
Cullen rested a hand awkwardly on her back, clearing his throat as she stepped back. "Yes, well. I think I need some time alone."  
  
Arianni nodded and headed for the door. Even something as chaste as a hug had set her ears aflame, and, not for the first time, she was grateful that her darker skin hid her blush.  
  
"Inquisitor." Cullen called for her just as she stepped through the door.  
  
"Yes?" Arianni stopped, her heart skipping a beat, poking her head back around the door to look at him.  
  
"I- that is... Thank you, Arianni."  
  
Arianni smiled and left. He never called her by name. She loved how it sounded when he said it. 

 

  
When she had gone to see him nearly a week later, to look over some order or another, he seemed to be doing much better.  
  
"I'm glad you seem in such good spirits," Arianni said.  
  
Cullen sat on the edge of his desk, smiling his crooked smile at her. "Yes, well, I certainly owe you some credit. Your encouragement was quite helpful."  
  
"I was worried about you," Arianni said, stepping closer to him.  
  
"Yes, you mentioned that before,” Cullen said, raising an eyebrow. “Though not in the same words, if I recall."  
  
This was it, her chance. She could either admit it or deny it. Feeling reckless, she chose the former.  
  
"I meant what I said," Arianni said with a smile. "I care for you, Cullen."  
  
Cullen's face reddened. "I- well, I won't say I hadn't thought about what to say in this situation- That is, for you to- Uhm- It seems too much to hope for...”  
  
"You're hopeless," Arianni said again, before stepping forward and kissing him quickly. As she backed away, she smiled. "You don't have to keep talking, you know."  
  
Cullen gaped a moment in surprise, before standing and moving towards her. Guiding her back, he pressed Arianni into the wall behind her, supporting himself with an arm as he cupped her face with his free hand.  
  
She thought her heart would burst from her chest with how hard it pounded. She felt breathless and giddy and wonderful.  
  
Arianni giggled and placed a hand at the back of his neck, her other on his chest to steady herself. She pulled him to her for another, longer kiss.  
  
After a moment, Cullen broke away from the kiss and sighed, stepping back. His face looked pained. "Inquisitor... I don't see this working."  
  
Arianni jolted. "What? What are you saying, Cullen?"  
  
Cullen shook his head, running a hand through his hair.  "I just... I can't be what you need."  
  
_Of course.  
_ Arianni scoffed, stepping around Cullen and placing her hands on his desk, glaring at the scattered papers and quills. "That's quite the change of heart," she said bitterly. “It wouldn’t be because I’m a mage, would it? You _were_ a templar, after all. Or perhaps you just don’t want to be seen with a knife-ear.”   
  
She was rambling now, spilling forth all of the fears that had kept her from acting before now.  
  
"No!” Cullen sighed. “I don’t care about that. It’s… You’re the Inquisitor. We’re at war. This... This isn’t possible. You don't need-"  
  
Arianni slammed a fist against his desk, her magic burning through the parchment, leaving a scorch. "I'm so sick of people telling me what I need. I'm not a CHILD.” She turned to glare at him. “If you don't want me then we can pretend this... whatever this was, never happened, COMMANDER."  
  
She left before he could find anything to say, her magic slamming the door behind her. She wasn’t going to let him see that it hurt this badly.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered after her.   
  
The smell of smoke caught his attention, and he turned to see that the papers on his desk were on fire. 

  
\---

  
Ariannihas stormed out of Cullen's office, seething. When she approached the rotunda, she had been so distracted that she bumped into Solas. Mumbling an apology, she started to walk past him.  
  
"Is something the matter?" Solas looked at her with some concern.  
  
Arianni turned. "Why are all these humans so... HUMAN?" She ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "Ever since I woke up, in chains, mind you, I've had to listen to one human after another try to tell me what i should or shouldn't do, what I do or don't need. I'm not a fucking CHILD."  
  
"No, you're not," Solas said, a wry smile at his lips. "Clearly, you are upset. I'm happy to listen, but perhaps the tower isn't the best place to vent your frustrations?"  
  
Realizing where she was, Arianni felt her ears burn. She avoided looking up, where she knew several humans, including Leliana and Dorian, would be in the upper levels.  
  
"Where did you have in mind?" She asked meekly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always: 
> 
> -Please be gentle with criticism  
> -Please tell me what you think/any suggestions you have  
> -Please remember that this work is still under construction.
> 
> and, most importantly, Thank you for reading my fic. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen's POV on his refusal of Arianni's advances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that she wouldn't have any way to know this, which is why it's in its own little segment.

 

A few hours after Arianni stormed out of his office, Cullen sat in the corner of Herald’s Rest, a half-finished ale on the table before him, with 3 empty mugs next to it.  He kept replaying their conversation in his head, remembering how she had looked, how her eyes sparkled, how her lips felt. Every time he remembered what he had said, he groaned and took several large gulps of ale, trying to make himself forget what a fool he was.  
  
The Iron Bull walked over and sat down across from him, eyeing Cullen with curiosity and concern. "You've nearly finished four beers and You haven't so much as taken a piss. Either you're too drunk to walk or you're trying to drown yourself."  
  
Cullen chuckled. "I'm not too drunk to walk."    
  
"So, drown yourself it is." Bull chuckled as he took a swig from his drink. "This wouldn't have anything to do with the boss, would it?"  
  
Cullen groaned again and leaned forward, putting his face in his hands. "I'm an idiot."  
  
"I'm reserving my judgement on that one until I hear what happened," Bull said. He raised a hand and whistled to the barkeep, signaling for more drinks, before clapping Cullen on the shoulder. "Let's hear it. 

...  
  
"And then, then..." Cullen hiccuped. "She set my desk on fire."  
  
Bull whistled. "Okay, yeah. You are definitely an idiot."  
  
Cullen put his face on the table, closing his eyes against the swirling of the room. "I just.. I don't want to make her unhappy."  
  
"Well that's the problem. You did." Bull looked at the table, trying to find his mug amidst all the empty ones. Giving up on this, he clapped Cullen on the shoulder again. "Look, just talk to her tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. After you finish dying."  
  
"I'll be fine," Cullen slurred into the table.  
  
Bull laughed. "Yeah, Lyrium withdrawals and a hangover go GREAT together. Come on, I'll help you get up to your room. What the fuck possessed you to put your bed up a ladder?" He threw one of Cullen's arms over his shoulder and helped carry him up the stairs.  
  
"The sky is so pretty at night here," Cullen explained.  
  
"Is that why you didn't fix the roof?"  
  
"Yeah. The stars... They're so pretty. They're like her freckles," Cullen said, before dissolving into a fit of giggles.  
  
"Oh jeez. You're definitely in love," Bull said, shaking his head with a chuckle.  
  
\---  
  
Bull hadn't been wrong. The hangover had been worse than any he could remember.  
  
The Lyrium-visions were awful, demons tearing him apart, body and mind, as he heaved into a bucket near his bed.  
  
The day was lost to him, and he didn't leave his bedside, too afraid of what he would see in the faces of his soldiers.  
  
The visions hadn’t been this bad in weeks.  
  
The day before, they had barely plagued him, until she came in. The moment he looked at her, they began taunting him, laughing in his ears. And when he had kissed her, Maker, they'd stopped. For just a moment there was silence, and what he thought was clarity. But when he looked at her, he'd seen the face of a demon, and his hand had been at his sword before he could draw a breath.  
  
Afraid for her, he sent her away. Now all he wanted to do was find her and pull her into his arms and pray that she could help him find the same peace as before.  
  
As the day waned, and night finally fell, he lay in bed watching the sky change. The sounds were abating as his body processed the last of the alcohol. The deafening roar finally reduced to the dull clamoring he was more familiar with.  
  
The stars, so clear at this altitude, shone brightly in the sky, and as he looked at them, he remembered what he had said to Bull. They reminded him of her freckles.  
  
Picturing her face, Cullen found it a little easier to focus, to stop the room spinning. He found himself thinking about when he’d first really noticed her. When he’d first known that he wanted her.  
  
Cullen wiped his face with a sigh and rolled over, hoping to find sleep.  
  
\----  
  
The next morning, Cullen woke up early, determined to go and talk to Arianni. He wanted to explain himself, to see if she could forgive him. He wanted to try again.  
  
Varric called out as Cullen was walking past him in the main hall. "Hey, Curly. Rough hangover?"  
  
Cullen nodded. "It was tough, but I'm better now. I was looking for the Inquisitor."  
  
Varric visibly squirmed. "She's uh, she's a little busy, Commander. You might want to talk to her another time."  
  
"It's important," Cullen said with a small smile. "Where is she?"  
  
Varric sighed. "She's in her room."  
  
"Right, I'll be off, then," Cullen said as he made to leave.  
  
"Curly," Varric called after him.  
  
"What is it, Varric?"  
  
"She's not exactly, uhm, alone, up there." Varric scratched his nose with a forefinger, avoiding Cullen's gaze.  
  
Cullen felt his stomach drop. "Not... alone." There was a dull roar in his ears, the voices in the room melting together with those of the Lyrium. "...I see."  
  
Varric was saying something, but Cullen couldn't hear him. He was jogging across the hall. He couldn't accept it. Couldn't believe it. She wasn't the sort to jump into bed with someone like that. He opened the door to the hallway and sprinted up the stairs towards her quarters.  
  
She wouldn't...  
  
He froze as he rounded a corner, seeing Solas step out of her room. The elf eased the door closed slowly, gently, before making his way down the corridor.  
  
"Commander," Solas said, looking unsurprised to see him. "If you're looking to speak with the Inquisitor, she's sleeping. It may be best to come another time." Solas' voice was light, conversational, as though he couldn't see that Cullen felt like he'd been punched in the gut.  
  
Cullen couldn't speak. He couldn't make himself move as Solas walked past him, heading down the stairs.  
  
_I see..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To read about the moment Cullen is thinking of, and all that it entailed, check the other work in this series, titled In Your Heart Shall Burn.
> 
> We will return to Arianni's POV and finish the flashback in the next chapter. :) 
> 
> As always: 
> 
> -Please be gentle with criticism  
> -Please tell me what you think/any suggestions you have  
> -Please remember that this work is still under construction.
> 
> and, most importantly, Thank you for reading my fic. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened while Solas was in Arianni's room...

Arianni walked through Haven with Solas, as he told her stories about what Haven had been before the Chantry was built. How it had first become a refuge against an invading force.  
  
He walked with her to the room she had been chained in. “While you were sleeping, I sat beside you, and studied the Anchor.”  
  
“Thank you," Arianni said. "I'm glad someone was watching over me."  
  
"You were a mystery," he replied simply. "You still are. I ran every test I could imagine, searched the Fade, yet found nothing. Cassandra suspected duplicity. She threatened to have me executed as an apostate if I didn't produce results."  
  
"Cassandra's like that with everyone," Arianni said with a smile.  
  
Solas laughed, then, his eyes shining. "Yes, I have seen."  
  
He motioned, and they continued walking.  
  
"You were never going to wake up," Solas continued. "How could you, a mortal sent physically through the Fade?"  
  
He turned to her. "I was frustrated, frightened," He admitted. "The spirits I might have consulted had been driven away by the Breach. Although I wished to help, I had no faith in Cassandra, nor she in me. I was ready to flee."  
  
"But you stayed," Arianni noted.  
  
"I did," Solas agreed. He was looking at her with a strange expression. He turned away, raising a hand towards the Breach in the sky as he said, "I told myself, 'one more attempt to seal the rifts.' I tried, and failed," he said as he lowered his hand. "No ordinary magic would affect them. I watched the rifts expand and grow, resigned myself to flee, and then..." He trailed off.  
  
"And then?" Arianni looked at him quizzically.  
  
Solas turned to her, smiling.  "You woke up. You were able to seal the rifts. I did not in my wildest imaginings think it possible. It seems you hold the key to our salvation. You sealed the rift with a gesture, and right then..." Solas paused, looking at the ground, before looking back to her and continuing. "I felt the whole world change."  
  
"Felt the whole world change?" Arianni smiled at him, feeling warmth in her ears.  
  
"A figure of speech," Solas said dryly.  
  
"I'm aware of the metaphor," Arianni said with a chuckle as she took a step towards him. "I'm more interested in 'felt.'"  
  
Solas smiled. "You change... Everything."  
  
"Sweet talker," Arianni said, looking at the ground. Solas chuckled and looked way.  
  
Feeling her heart race, she grabbed his chin and turned him to face her, before kissing him quickly. He gasped in surprise. His mouth was soft as her lips brushed his. Smiling a playful smile, she made to turn away, only for him to grasp her arm and pull her back to him for another, deeper kiss. When they pulled away, breathless, his eyes were still closed a moment. Opening them to smile at her, he shook his head gently, leaning in for another kiss.  
  
"We shouldn't," He said as he pulled away again. "It isn't right. Not even here."  
  
"What do you mean, 'even here'?"  
  
Solas laughed. "Where did you think we were?"  
  
Arianni looked around her, realizing, as if in a dream, that they couldn't be standing in Haven. Haven was buried under a mountainside of snow.  
  
"This..." She began. "This isn't real?"  
  
Solas chuckled. "That's a matter for debate. Perhaps best discussed after you _wake up_."  
  
Arianni sat up in bed, gasping in surprise. Looking about her, she realized she was in Skyhold, in her quarters. It was late, the only light in the room came from her fireplace. She must have slept the entire day, she realized with surprise.  
  
There was a knocking at her door. When she managed to make it down the stairs and open the door, Solas stood there, a wry smile at his lips.  
  
"Sleep well?" He asked with a chuckle.  
  
"What was that?" Arianni let him in, following him up the stairs, where he sat on her couch.  
  
"The Fade," he said simply.  
  
"I've never done anything like that before," Arianni said in wonder. "On a.. number of levels," she added with a smile as she sat near him on the couch.  
  
Solas laughed, before becoming more serious. "I apologize, truly. The kiss was impulsive, and ill-considered, and I should not have encouraged it."  
  
"You say that," Arianni said with a wicked grin. "But you're the one who started with tongue.  
  
"I did no such thing!" Solas looked affronted, but the edges of his mouth curled.  
  
"Oh?" Arianni chuckled. "Does it not count if it is only Fade-tongue?"  
  
They laughed together for a few moments, before Solas spoke.  
  
"It has... been a long time," He admitted, "And things have always been.. easier for me, in the Fade. I am not certain this is the best idea." He looked at her with concern. "It could lead to trouble."  
  
"I'm willing to take a chance, see where this could go, if you are," Arianni replied.  
  
"What of our dear commander?"  
  
"He..." Arianni sighed. "He isn't a part of the equation."  
  
"I see," Solas said. "Then, yes, perhaps. There are... considerations."    
  
"Take all the time you need," Arianni said.   
  
"Thank you," Solas replied. "Perhaps you'd like to attempt a venture into the Fade once more?"  
  
"Is there going to be more Fade tongue?" Arianni laughed.  
  
"Not at the moment," Solas replied, though his eyes sparkled. "For now, I was thinking I'd just show you an effective method for venturing into the Fade. I thought perhaps you would enjoy being able to have somewhere the Inquisition couldn't find you."  
  
"That does sound nice," Arianni said with a smile.  
  
"Then, to bed with you," Solas said. "We won't both fit on the couch."  
  
"Technically..." Arianni let the comment drift off as she stood and walked to the bed.  
  
Solas shook his head with a chuckle. "That's not entirely fair for someone who was just telling me to take my time."  
  
"Alright, alright," Arianni conceded as she got into bed.  
  
"Lay down, I will guide your mind to the Fade," Solas said, as he stretched out on the couch.

\--  
  
Hours later, while Arianni was still sleeping and the first of the sun's rays were peeking into the room, Solas awoke. He had left her in the care of a few friendly spirits he knew.  
  
Creeping silently down the stairs, he snuck out the door, closing it as quietly as possible.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arianni sees Solas, addresses Cullen, and maybe finally gets some sleep.
> 
> Also, she is sick of their shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I should note that in this fic, Cole has neither been made more spirit or more Human.  
> Instead, his personality is evolving slowly, at his own pace, through his interactions with Arianni and the Inquisition.
> 
>  
> 
> ***"Halam sahlin" Means "This ends now"***

Arianni pulled herself out of her reverie. The room was cold. She stretched her limbs as she stood. If she stayed here any longer, she would probably fall asleep again.  
  
She headed back up through Skyhold, waving to Varric as she passed him. When he saw she was headed for the rotunda, he looked nervous as he fell in step with her, walking with her to the steps and waiting while she ascended the tower. It had become an unspoken rule since that first day: she did not enter the rotunda alone. If she needed to see Cullen, Varric would offer to get him, or she would make the journey down the main stairs, up the battlements, and across to his side door. She was never alone in a room with _him_ .  
  
As she ascended the steps, Dorian approached her, greeting her jovially. “There you are! Darling, you have perfect timing. Here,” He said as he handed her a small bottle. “Rather nasty stuff, so you may want to have a nice wine on hand. Take half the bottle each evening. There’s an entire crate being taken to your quarters soon.  
  
“You don’t know how much this means, Dorian,” Arianni said as she pocketed the bottle.  
  
“Well, I’m always glad to- oof!” Dorian’s words were cut off as Arianni hugged him. “Now now, dear, let’s not be unsightly,” Dorian said, though he patted her back all the same.  
  
As she descended the steps, she froze as she caught sight of Solas, half of his face black and bruised, his lip bloodied. He avoided her gaze, turning away, and she saw the back of his head was injured as well, raw and cut. She fought to breathe through the tightness in her chest.  
  
Varric rushed over to walk her back to the hall, but she had already seen.  
  
She could guess at who was responsible.  
  
Noticing her stare, Varric rubbed the back of his neck.  
“Well… shit.”  
  
====  
  
As Arianni made to walk across the rotunda to Cullen’s office, Varric kept in step with her, jumping in front of her at one point, arms held up in a supplicating gesture.  
  
“Listen, Dandelion, your hands are smoking. That isn’t a figure of speech either. You need to take a minute, try to-”  
  
“Don’t try to tell me what I NEED, Varric,” Arianni said, her voice cold. “Stay out of my way.”  
  
Varric sighed, moving aside. “Alright… Just don’t do anything you’re going to regret. He already did.”  
  
Arianni kept walking, leaving the rotunda and moving along the pathway to Cullen’s office. Noticing a soldier knocking on the door, she simply said “Leave. Now.”  
  
As the soldier ran off, likely to find Leliana, Arianni tried to open the door. It didn’t budge.  
_So be it._  
  
She knocked the door off it’s hinges with a blast of sheer force magic, causing it to fall forward.  
  
Cullen didn’t budge as she stepped onto it and through the doorway. He was standing at the window, facing away from her.  
  
“Who do you think you are?” Arianni demanded.  “What makes you think you have any right to interfere in my personal life like this? If I’d wanted his face broken, I’d damn well have done it myself!”  
  
She realized she was shouting. Cullen flinched slightly at each word, but he still didn’t turn to face her.  
  
“I can say that he almost literally asked for it,” Cullen said softly. “But that doesn’t make it okay. I lost my temper, in a way I haven’t in years.”  
  
“You lost your temper,” Arianni repeated. “ _That’s_ your excuse? You could have killed him with those injuries!”  
  
“I know!” Cullen turned as he shouted. He stared at the ground before him, his hair unkempt, face flushed.  


_Something’s wrong_.  
Arianni looked at his face, eyeing him with suspicion. “What’s wrong with you, Cullen?”  
  
“Nothing you need to concern yourself with.” He was facing her now, but looking around the room like a caged animal, anywhere but at her.  
  
“It became my concern when you ATTACKED a member of the inquisition!” Arianni smacked a fist into the wall next to her, scorching the wood.  
  
“Don’t set my office on fire again,” Cullen said angrily.  
  
“Oh, would you prefer ice then?” Arianni snapped as she smacked the same spot, causing ice crystals to form, jutting out around her fist like spikes.  
  
Cullen took a step back, eyes wild, and Arianni felt her stomach dip as she realized he was grasping for his sword. It wasn’t there, though.  
_he would have attacked me,_ she realized.  
  
“What?” Cullen looked down in confusion.  
  
“You don’t need this,” Cole’s voice rang out, and Arianni saw him appear in the corner of the room, holding Cullen’s sword, sheathed and still attached to the belt. Cole hugged it to himself protectively as Cullen glared at him. “They aren’t real. They can’t hurt you. You don’t need this.”  
  
Culled put a hand to his head, blinking rapidly as he shook his head.  
  
“Cole, what’s wrong with him?” Arianni stepped protectively between them.  
  
“The song once sung is gone, torn away. Demons dancing on the edges of my vision. Voices, whispering, shouting, screaming, screeching, scraping.  He hurt her, it hurt her, make it stop, make it stop, Maker make it stop. Magic? Demons. Darkness, No, it’s her. It’s a demon. It’s her. I can’t.. Where am I?” Cole looked at Arianni. “I don’t think he knows who we are.”  
  
Cullen?” Arianni tentatively walked towards him. He was now holding his head in his hands, staring at the floor. He didn’t move, muttering to himself. His eyes were wide, unblinking.  
  
“Cole, go find Ser Barris,” Arianni said. “I don’t know how to help him like this.”  
  
“His body needs the Lyrium,” Cole replied. “It’s dying without it.”  
  
“He won’t die. He is stronger than the Lyrium,” Arianni said quietly. “I can handle him if I need to. Ser Barris. Please,” She added.  
  
Cole nodded and disappeared, and Arianni stepped closer to Cullen. “Cullen. I’m here. You’re safe. It’s okay,” She said soothingly.  
  
He slowly sat down on the floor, still holding his head and mumbling. As she got closer, Arianni could make out some of the words.  
  
“Can’t hurt her, not a demon, not a demon, won’t hurt her.”  
  
Arianni’s hand flew to her mouth. _What is he seeing?_  
  
“Cullen,” Arianni tried again. She knelt down in front of him. “Cullen, it’s ok.”  
  
Suddenly, he looked up at her, and for the first time since she’d walked in the room, he looked like he knew what was going on around him.  
  
“Arianni…” Cullen looked at her a moment, looking absolutely _terrified_. “Maker, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to... I’m sorry.”  
  
His face fell as he looked at the floor, and Arianni saw tears in eyes. Her heart broke for him, for the pain he had to be enduring, and the fight she hadn’t realized he was fighting. She scooted forward, until she was kneeling next to him, and hugged him tightly to her.   
  
_I have to do better,_ she told herself.   
  
“It’s okay, Cullen. I’m here,” She said, feeling tears prickling the corners of her own eyes. “I forgive you.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” He said again as his voice broke. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck.  
  
When Ser Barris arrived, he helped get Cullen up the ladder to his bed. Then, predictably, suggested that Cullen be given Lyrium immediately, and stated that he couldn’t believe he had lasted so long without it.  
  
“He won’t be given Lyrium,” Arianni said as she watched Cullen writhe on the bed. “There must be some sort of protocol to follow if a Lyrium supply is cut off, some way to manage the symptoms.”  
  
“Yes, but for someone denied it this long-”  
  
“I don’t care. You will work with the veteran templars, help him manage his symptoms, but under no circumstances will he be given Lyrium.” Arianni’s voice was firm. “If he is given Lyrium, I will personally make sure the one responsible is punished, and we will disavow the templars.”  
  
“And if he dies?” Ser Barris didn’t shy away from the Inquisitor. She respected his bravery. Sleep-deprived and angry, she would admit later that she would have likely barred him from Skyhold if he refused.  
  
“The templars will not be punished unless there is evidence that he was not well cared for,” Arianni looked away from Cullen and met Ser Barris’ gaze. “I trust that is satisfactory.” It wasn’t a question.  
  
Ser Barris nodded, before sliding down the ladder and leaving, presumably to gather the veterans.  
  
Arianni approached the bed where Cullen tossed and turned. Ser Barris had helped them remove his cloak and armor, and Arianni pulled a blanket over him now, knowing his shirt and breeches wouldn’t be enough against Skyhold’s cold. She shushed him gently as she sat at the edge of the bed. He stopped moving at the sensation, lying rigidly on his back, hiding his face in his hands.  
  
“Cullen,” She said softly. “It’s alright. You are going to be alright. You will make it through this. I know it.”  
  
At her words, he moved his hands slowly, turning his head to look at her. He raised a hand to her cheek, focusing on her face.  
  
“I didn’t mean for this to go this far,” He said apologetically. “I thought I could ignore it. That I could… Endure.”  
  
“You can endure,” Arianni said, putting her hand over his. “You can overcome this.”  
  
“No Lyrium,” Cullen said, his voice pleading.  
  
“I know, they won’t give you Lyrium, Cullen.”  
  
Cullen sighed, shaking his head slowly. He let his hand slide from her face and rolled over, turning away from her, curling in on himself as he lay. His breathing was shallow and rapid.  
  
Unsure how else to comfort him, Arianni sat in silence a few moments, wondering what she could do. The only thing she could think of...  
  
“That,” Cole said softly, as he appeared beside her. “That will help.”  
  
Arianni nodded. She believed him. She began to sing a lullaby she had heard often as a child. Quietly, and then with more confidence. She had no illusions about her voice, but if she sang quietly, it wasn't too bad.  
  
“Elgara vallas, da'len  
Melava somniar  
Mala taren aravas  
Ara ma'desen melar

Iras ma ghilas, da'len  
Ara ma'nedan ashir  
Dirthara lothlenan'as  
Bal emma mala dir  
  
Tel'enfenim, da'len  
Irassal ma ghilas  
Ma garas mir renan  
Ara ma'athlan vhenas  
Ara ma'athlan vhenas”  
  
Cullen was silent as her voice faded. Cole stared at her.  
  
“I like that song,” Cole said.  
  
“So do I,” Cullen’s voice surprised her. “What do the words mean?” He asked quietly.  
  
“It is a lullaby my clan sings,” Arianni said, then hesitated. “...I know it in the common language as well.”  
  
“Will you sing it, please?” Cullen still didn’t roll over to face her, but he stretched his legs, relaxing his back.  
  
Arianni nodded. “Okay,” She said.  
  
“Sun sets, little one,  
Time to dream  
Your mind journeys,  
But I will hold you here.  
  
Where will you go, little one  
Lost to me in sleep?  
Seek truth in a forgotten land  
Deep within your heart.  
  
Never fear, little one,  
Wherever you shall go.  
Follow my voice--  
I will call you home.  
I will call you home.”  
  
When she finished the song, she looked over at Cullen. His breathing was slow, even. He seemed to be asleep. Arianni smiled. That was easier than she had expected. As she made to stand, he suddenly rolled over, grabbing her wrist. She jumped, heart pounding.  
  
“Thank you,” He said softly, before releasing her hand and closing his eyes.  
  
Arianni smiled. “Get some rest,” she said before heading down the ladder. She was surprised to see Ser Barris waiting below, with three Templars Arianni could safely assume were the veterans.  
  
“We.. didn’t want to interrupt you,” Ser Barris explained, looking nervous.  
  
“I understand.” Ariannis ears were burning. She hadn't expected anyone else to hear her sing. “He should be sleeping for now. Do what you need to,” Arianni said before leaving the office.  
  
Cole followed her, though he didn't have Cullen’s sword anymore. “He won’t use it,” Cole explained when she questioned him.  
  
Halfway across the path to the rotunda, Arianni stopped. She took a deep breath as she looked up at the sky. The sun was nearly set, and the first of the stars winked in the sky, more and more appearing by the minute. She enjoyed the moment of peace.  
  
“They’re pretty,” Cole said beside her. His head was tipped back so he could see the sky. “Winking into existence, there but not, far away and still seen. Light that is old and yet new. I've never looked before.”  
  
"You've never looked at the sky?"  
  
"I've seen it, but never LOOKED," Cole said.   
  
“Maybe you should look at the stars more often. There are lots of beautiful things in the world, Cole.” Arianni smiled at him.  
  
“I think I'd like to try and see them,” Cole replied, his eyes still focused on the stars, wide and awed.  
  
Ariani waited a moment, watching the stars with him as they winked into view. She used the opportunity to take deep breaths, considering what to do next. She thought about leaving him to it, going to her room alone, there were letters to write, she had to decide what to do about Cullen, and she would pass _him._ She didn’t want to be alone for that.  
  
“Cole,” she began softly.  
  
“I won’t make you go in alone,” he said, not needing her to finish her request.  
  
“Thank you, Cole,” she said as she moved and opened the door to the rotunda.  
  
Arianni did her best not to gasp when she saw Solas again, but was unsuccessful. His cheek was badly cut, his eye nearly swollen shut, and the entire right side of his face was bruised, nearing black. Even now, she had to resist the urge to reach out, to cradle his face. To kiss his bruises and heal them.  
  
“Ir abelas, ma- lethallin,” Arianni said, catching herself before she used another term to address him. “If I’d known this could happen, I would have stopped him.”  
  
Solas did not meet her eyes. “Do not concern yourself,” was all he said.  
  
“Just because you hurt me doesn’t mean I desire to see you in pain,” Arianni said.  
  
“I know,” Was all he replied, staring at his desk.  
  
Cole flitted around them, staring at Solas. Suddenly, Cole froze, eyeing Solas with sadness on his face. "Ar lasa mala revas. You are so beautiful. But then you turned away. Why?"  
  
Solas did not turn to face them as he replied, "I had no choice."  
  
Cole's tone turned angry. "She is bare-faced, embarrassed, and she doesn't know. She thinks it's because of her.”  
  
Solas sighed. “You cannot heal this, Cole. Please let it go.”  
  
Cole glared at him. “You caused this, you caused a hurt I cannot heal, a fault I cannot fix without tearing, cutting away the good to take the bad. I cannot help her, and it is your fault!”  
  
Solas gasped then, softly. He looked at Cole, shock and sadness visible on his face, even beneath the wounds. “I am sorry, Cole. I didn’t think how this would affect you, as a spirit of compassion.”  
  
Arianni glared at him. “As much as I care about Cole and how this affects him, I didn’t think that would be more of a concern to you than how it affected ME.”  
  
“You're real, and it means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't.” Cole’s voice was sad now. “He hurts, an old pain from before, when everything sang the same…” Cole gasped in surprise.  “Where did it go?”  
  
Solas turned away from them, then. “I am sorry, Cole. That is not a pain you can heal. Please leave me.”  
  
As Cole turned to leave, confused, Arianni began to follow him.  
  
“Inquisitor,” Solas called out. “You shouldn’t be so hard on the Commander. He did what I made him do.”  
  
Arianni started to round on him, to shout that he was the reason Cullen was lying in a bed fighting to tell reality from visions, when Cole touched her arm.  
  
“He is in pain,” Cole said softly. “The chill of rain, pounding of my feet, the ache in my chest like a knife spilling blood that is not blood but tears, it is not enough. It should hurt more. I deserve it to hurt more.”

Arianni shook her head. “If I wanted him to be injured, I would have made sure to do it myself,” she said, making sure her voice carried to the table where Solas stood, hunched over his papers.  
  
She marched up to Solas, turning him with a hand at his shoulder. He looked startled, weary, and ready for an argument.  
  
“Halam sahlin,” She hissed at him. “Heal your face. If you want to have some kind of pity party, have it in the Fade, but your pettiness will NOT cause dissent in my Inquisition. This is your only warning.”  
  
Clearly taken aback by the venom in her voice, Solas simply nodded.  
  
She left, not wanting to look at him anymore. Not wanting to deal with all of this anymore. She just wanted to sleep.  
  
As she passed Varric, he started to speak, but Cole stopped him and said, “She can sleep now,” and Varric nodded, looking concerned.  
  
Ignoring everyone she passed, Arianni made her way up the stairs to her quarters. Not even bothering to change, she collapsed onto her bed.  
  
“The tonic!” Cole’s voice warned her.  
  
_Shit._  She managed to lift herself, pulling the bottle from her pocket. It was a sturdy glass, and hadn’t broken. Two gulps and half of the bottle was gone. The taste was bitter, sour, and just generally disgusting. As she stoppered the bottle, Cole walked over, handing her a goblet of wine.  
  
“Thank you, Cole,” Arianni said with a grateful smile.  
  
After draining the goblet, she looked at him, standing in the middle of the room, looking nervous and uncertain.  
  
“If there are people you need to help, you can go,” Arianni said.  
  
“There are, but...” Cole struggled for words. “I do not want another one to twist, to change, to become something they are not. I have been something I am not.”  
  
“I am confident in Dorian, I won’t go to the Fade.”  
  
“I was talking about you,” Cole said softly.  
  
That gave her pause. “What do you see in me, Cole?”  
  
“You're too bright. Like counting birds against the sun. The mark makes you more. But past it...You reach across, mindful, meaning. You pull it through to this side, make it real here. Past that, a pain I cannot decipher, fear for the future, lives you must protect... And past that, the weight of all on you. All the hopes you carry, fears you fight. You are theirs. It must be very hard. I hope I help.”  
  
“You do, Cole,” Arianni said as she laid down.  
  
“That makes me glad,” Cole said as he walked to the balcony. “I will be here. I want to watch the stars.”

“Good night, Cole.”  
  
“Good night.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always:
> 
> -Please be gentle with criticism  
> -Please tell me what you think/any suggestions you have  
> -Please remember that this work is still under construction.
> 
> and, most importantly, Thank you for reading my fic. <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter here, where Cullen talks to the Inquisitor about his actions, and we get a little bit of hope.

She hadn’t slept so well in weeks. Arianni stretched as she woke, pleased that she hadn’t dreamed at all.

The moment of happiness faded as she remembered all that had transpired the day before. She would have to deal with Cullen, and soon. She couldn’t let what had happened sow dissent within the Inquisition’s ranks. She also couldn’t afford to play favorites here. Shit.

She sat up, looking around her quarters. Cole had gone, presumably once he was sure she was sleeping soundly, or perhaps he had waited until the stars began to fade with the morning light.

She bathed and changed quickly into more presentable clothing before leaving for the War Room. She could already imagine Josephine's reaction if she entered the main hall in the clothes she had slept in.

After brushing her hair and washing her face, Arianni made her way down the corridor to the main hall. Spotting Varric, she took a moment to go over and let him know that she was alright.

Seeing her approach, Varric stopped writing, looking up at her from his table. "Good morning, Dandelion."

"Sorry I was so short with you yesterday," She began.

"Is that a pun, Dandelion?" Varric raised an eyebrow at her.

"I-" Arianni paused as she realized what she had said.

Varric chuckled. "Don't worry about it. You look like you finally got some rest. You should know, Chuckles fixed his face."

"Good," Arianni said, pleased she didn't have to fight with Solas on that front, at least.

"How's Curly? I hope you left him in one piece. From what I can gather, he wasn't in his right mind."

"He was alive when I left him," Arianni said grimly. "I need to know how he is, but I also need to gether the other advisors. Are you busy?"

"Nah, I've got a minute to go check on our dear commander," Varric said, putting his pen down and stretching.

"Thanks, Varric," Arianni said, before heading off to meet Josephine.

"Inquisitor!" Josephine stood the moment Arianni entered, a flurry of frills and papers. Another person, clearly an Orlesian noblewoman of some family or another, curtsied.

"Good morning, Lady Montiliyet," Arianni said. "We should get Leliana to meet us for a discussion. "My apologies," she added to the noblewoman with a quick bow, before turning and continuing past them to the War Room.

When Josephine finally entered with Leliana, Arianni listened to their advice a moment, before silencing them with a raised hand.

"How is Cullen?"

"I ran into Varric on my way here," Leliana replied. "He was on his way to let you know that Cullen is alive. Not so much WELL, but alive."

Arianni attempted to hide the relief she felt from her face, but she knew she wasn't entirely successful when Josephine and Leliana glanced at each other from the corner of their eyes.

Leliana cleared her throat. "What are we going to do about the mage, Solas?"

"Frankly, I am not sure why he is even still here, after the disgraceful behavior he has shown towards the Inquisitor," Josephine replied. "It would be an understandable response to disavow him from the Inquisition, at the very least."

"I could have him imprisoned for attempting to undermine the Inquisition, as well as for being an apostate," Leliana said, musing.

"No," Arianni said, anger flaring in her chest. "We aren't going to behave this way. You ask why he is still here? Because he knows more about old shit than anyone else in this castle. Because we arent going to lock up or kill everyone that ever pisses me off. If we started doing that, half of thedas would burn." Arianni glanced at Josephine as she said this, noting the small smile she was given in return.

"Because personal grudges arent going to get in the way of our goal," Arianni continued. "And, most importantly, because I'm not so fucking weak that a man, any man, is going to stop me from doing what I need to do to stop Corypheus."

"Well said," A gruff voice startled her.

She looked up to see Cullen entering the room. His face was paler than usual, but he looked better than she had expected. He hwas dressed in his armor, and stood straight as he entered, though Arianni had a feeling he was hiding pain.

"Commander, you shouldn't be up-" Arianni began.

"I am well enough for this," Cullen interrupted. He walked to the table, placing a rolled piece of parchment on it. It was sealed with his sigil.

"What is this?" Arianni picked it up.

"It is a formal explanation for why I will be leaving the Inquisition, effective immediately," Cullen replied. "I have behaved in ways that are beyond shameful. I have endangered a cause I swore to uphold, and I have attacked a comrade because I was blinded, both by my emotions and a preexisting condition I misjudged. I am not fit to-"  
  
"Shut the fuck up." Arianni ripped the roll of parchment in half, seething.

"Excuse me?" Cullen was taken aback, and Josephine let out a small gasp at the words.

"You're not about to just bow out gracefully and leave us to deal with this without a commander," Arianni said, anger fueling her words. "You don't get to just say 'I fucked up' and then leave. You're gonna stick around and deal with it. There are far more important things at stake than your self-pity, and you better figure it out, because Maker help me, if it will fix this shit, I will make you kiss Solas in front of the entire Inquisition. You don't get to decide your fate here."

Leliana hid her smile behind a gloved hand while Josephine gaped between the two of them, eyes wide.

Cullen stared at Arianni a moment, before sighing.

"There's that fire I remember," he muttered quietly, before nodding. "Very well, Inquisitor. I place myself under your mercy and will submit to whatever punishment you see fit."

"My punishment is simple, you're going to dedicate your every waking breath to getting past this addiction bullshit and aiding the Inquisition in saving the world." Arianni ripped the two pieces of paper into fourths. "You're going to quit pitying yourself and accept that you fucked up, and work on becoming stronger so that it doesn't happen again." She burned the pieces of paper in her palms, letting the ashes scatter across the war table like a blackened snowfall.

"So," Cullen smiled a half smile at her. "I don't have to kiss the apostate?"

"Not at the moment," Arianni said, smiling at him.

Leliana burst into laughter, the musical sound filling the room, and soon they were all laughing. Laughing at the ridiculousness of the mess they were in, laughing at the jokes they told each other, laughing at the darkness, and for a moment, a golden, shining moment, everything seemed like it would be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I have big plans for the length of this fic, and hope that you enjoy it. <3
> 
> Again, this fic is still being worked on, from beginning to end. There are parts that are still being fleshed out, and parts that I need to adjust to make them more accurate to the NPC characters. 
> 
> Arianni has panic attacks, and has severely emotional reactions to many situations. These reactions are meant to be as realistic as possible for a bipolar character with anxiety. I am basing her behaviors off of my own reactions to certain stimuli. So before anyone goes saying that she is some kind of unrealistic character, please take this into consideration. Yes, she flip-flops her emotions. a LOT, but that is how her emotions ARE.
> 
> Also, I have not played the DLC, so please, please, PLEASE keep the comments DLC spoiler-free. I will be playing the DLC very soon!!


End file.
